DON'T LOOK BACK, YOU'RE NOT GOING THAT WAY...

WEDDING TRIP! TRIGGERS, GRATITUDE, LOVE, GRATITUDE AND GROWTH.

That was the unfolding sequence of this experience. Triggers, Gratitude, Love, Gratitude, Growth.

Wow, what a fucking trip! Like, a physical trip and a cosmic trip! I went out and got married in Mexico last week, one week ago today, to be exact - and my oh my. At the time I was in it, I often felt like it wasn't what I asked for. But I know better than to think that way. Of course I asked for it. If it shows up in my life, it's exactly what I need. But I've been a stubborn bitch, and have created a lot of resistance for myself in the past. This trip ended up serving as a big birth in several ways - some intentional, some overdue but unexpected - all reluctantly welcomed. On this trip, my biggest triggers were all awake, on alert, amplified to 11 and IN MY FACE.

Family triggers.

COVID triggers.

Friend triggers.

Eating/drinking habit triggers.

Body image triggers.

Some of the journal entries I am publishing are about family triggers, so I felt the only right way to approach that would be to ask my family members' permission to publish these entries, and be willing to share said journal entries with them first so they could preview. Turns out writing this blog is another big step in setting down some old, destructive patterns that I’ve built around interactions and control dramas and energy exchanges with loved ones. Dear friends. My family. My sisters.

So I sent a text to my sisters explaining the post I wanted to write, and asking their permission to publish entries about them.

Scary!!

Ok, moving on to the trip.

Starts out like - HELLO! Did someone forget to tell the uni that this was my wedding trip!?

Did I forget to tell the uni that my week was supposed to be free from challenges and resistance?

Can’t everyone and everything just know the exact right way for everything to be so I never have to be uncomfortable? Is that so hard? Lolol!

Some of my triggers looked like:

-My sister asks how she can help and I snap at her for not reading my mind.

-“These god damn motherfucking stupid FACE MASKS!”

-“Why the fuck are people telling me what to do!?”

-“Fuck, I am drinking too much and getting bloated and soft before my ceremony.”

Judgement. Preferences. Expectations. Guilt. SHAME.

The shame. The shame around still being SO FUCKING TRIGGERED by dumbass shit.

Beating myself up for being so hard on myself and others...haha!

Like, I seriously can’t help but laugh at it when I am blessed with the clarity of an objective perspective.

Thing is - the people, the circumstances that push my buttons - are all perfect. Nothing wrong with anything.

Nothing wrong, even, with my reaction. These things are not the source of my suffering.

It’s the judgements, expectations and attachments to specific outcomes that are the source of my suffering.

My awareness around these old habits is on such high alert that I can’t run, hide or escape in any of my typical ways.

Of course this was happening on my wedding trip. My higher self was going to GET MY ATTENTION, it was showing me where I resist.

It was time.

Did I want to continue being a victim to my external circumstances?

Feeling thrown off my seat to one side or the other every time a sense of praise or blame washes over me? A slave to my mind?

Fuck no.

So, what to do?

IS there even an alternative to looking, seeing, doing the work?

1. Ok, so I knew there was a good chance that everyone at Aldora (dive shop) would be wearing masks on the boats. They're the nicest dive shop on the island (IMO). They have the newest, fastest boats, they dive with steel tanks (you can compress more air into steel than aluminum, affording longer dives), they have great instructors and guides, and will take you to dive sites on the island that most other dive companies won't go to. Plus, I did 5 months of diving and dive training with Aldora in 2016, and have never had a reason to look elsewhere. Not that the mask thing is a good enough reason. But I was conflicted. I’m so all about principle - a STICKLER! NO!!!! The Stickler - ugh. Who wants to be that guy? Not me.

My sisters are incredible people. I am so lucky to have them. They're smart, beautiful, considerate, kind, compassionate, talented, loving, and so much more. They are fully their own people. They are independent and supportive.

We’re ALL doing the best we can with the programming we’ve received! We all participate in a melding of collective programming.

My triggers are mine and mine alone - the external stimuli are not to blame. I can’t control every aspect of my external environment, I can only control how I relate to it. What more scathing of a test than that of one’s family? And so while this shit was uncomfortable AS FUCK, I knew knew knew I had to sit with this - allow it to surface so I could release it. They're just stories - stories that are attached to feelings that I judge as unpleasant, and I have habituated a reaction that is rooted in avoiding a potential future that doesn't exist, but that I am inadvertently creating in my attempt to avoid it. Get me?

Furthermore, there is nothing wrong with any of my activities. I am just doing. And I have a fresh opportunity in every fraction of a second of every day to do and be something new, something different. In my opinion, it is our duty and our birthright to experiment with reality as much as possible! Be sovereign as FUCK. But do it knowing that our sovereignty is only a vessel for experience, and that the true nature of our existence is oneness. Love and act from this place, and you will create ecstasy in your life.

And I know this! I am aware of what I’m doing! Time to stop hypnotically imposing my memories onto my present and future reality.

Anyhow, I just SAW. I was in this very intense state of awareness practically constantly. It was as though I was buckled in, strapped down to the present moment of my triggers, and just forced to look look look. Just seeing it. And so much shame came with seeing it and not being able to look away, not being able to distract. And it was god damn uncomfortable. But I understood that the purpose of the amplification was to get me SO uncomfortable that I was finally inspired to do something about it. So loud that I couldn't ignore it anymore. “HELLO B, LOVE YOU AND YOU NEED TO LOOK AT THIS SHIT MMK!?”

Figure out how the fuck to set it down. How to let it go. Just let it all go.

Remembering gratitude for the gift, it is FOR me. IT is a GIFT. Not all gifts are pleasant. But they are gifts, nonetheless.

I am worthy of unloading this baggage, I am worthy of being free of it. This baggage takes up space that would otherwise be dedicated to higher vibrational energies. Furthermore, all who interact with me are worthy of receiving nothing less than my complete presence, unconditional love and compassion. In order to do this I have to start with myself, which means I have to make space for self love. I need to set these burdens down, clear the space - make room for love. Create such a huge, full ass cup. A 64oz overflowing Big Gulp.

I’m not through to the other side yet - I’m still in and out. Yesterday morning I woke up still feeling down on myself until the hubby reminded me -

“That’s all in the past. Just move forward!”

Yeah, duh. Don’t look back, you’re not going that way!

Hindsight can be a helpful tool for acknowledging your progress - but don’t let that bitch get behind the driver’s seat!

Ok ya'll - just for fun, and to preserve some remembrance of the fact that I actually GOT MARRIED on this trip, here is an outtake of some of the shit I wrote for our wedding and didn't end up using, some of which makes me laugh uncomfortably with cheesiness!

Sturdiest, sheltering, comforting tree? I mean, true - but also - cringe! Haha!

2. I’m referring to the weekly challenge for the Mastermind program. The assignment was to think about what circumstances you could imagine potentially arising that would make you question your purpose.

3. Aubrey Marcus - Founder of the Fit for Service Mastermind, of which I’m currently a very grateful member.

Well this was a good one for me, indeed! Being so down on myself for activities is an old old pattern where I mentally bargain with myself in an attempt to always keep things on an even keel and mentally manageable and predictable. The only reason any of the activities around eating and drinking get to me is their association with body image. And as I allow myself to have another drink I make a mental bargain that I’ll eat less tomorrow and take a day off from drinking and hydrate better, maybe try to squeeze in some yoga. And all those intentions are fine and good, but in this scenario I’m justifying decisions in the present based on an imagined future - using those future choices as a bargaining chip for something I have judged as LESS THAN ADEQUATE.

Something I HAVE JUDGED AS..._______.

You guys - our planetary biology is in the midst of an evolutionary shift which requires the shedding of all the baggage and low vibrational energies that keep us pinned to 3D.

Here are a few practices I use to release shit that doesn’t serve me anymore:

A. Intend to set the shit down, and tell myself that I can set it down, while knowing and feeling that I can.

B. Sit with the shit. Just sit in it. Give those energies that we shunned for so long their stage time. Not acted out, but just experienced and accepted as a felt sense in my body. And I sit with it until it’s passed. There are stints of exiting and returning, but the big boys are surfacing in order to be healed and released.

C. Surrounding myself with an amazing community of friends and family to hold space for me while I dig into my neurosis - and by providing the same container for others.

Let’s alchemize our neurosis and evolve this global consciousness, y’all! It is a rough patch of road we’re on, but the night is always darkest before the dawn, and a smooth sea never made a skilled sailor. If you’re faced with it, you’re strong enough to endure it, I promise.

I say love wins! You?

I love you!

Fucking rock it, wizards,

Heidi