Bye bye, Oldie! How I'm Suffocating Critical Mind

Hiya all, thanks for tuning in!

I present you with email #3, which has proven to be the most difficult to produce thus far.

The other night when I came home to start writing this, I felt exhausted. I really just wanted to rest. I had already taken photos of the journal entries that I wanted to use, so I told myself I just had to go in the studio and crop them, that was it. I smoked a little reefer and was scrolling through Whatsapp when I came across a video message from a friend telling me how much she enjoyed my most recent post. !!!

Life sent me a little boost via her mesage :smitten/inspired: and as soon as I started re-reading journal entries, everything started to flow. And now there’s…a lot. In this post. At least I think so?

Well, flash forward to the day AFTER my email deadline, and I've still not completed nor sent out the email. Yesterday and today (thus far), I have been met with a ton of resistance. Appropriately enough, my old thought patterns are cropping up with a vengeance. False beliefs around inadequacy are at every turn. I don't feel confident about this post. I honestly don't like it, and I don't feel confident that it will land. I'm putting it out there nonetheless, because I know that this vulnerability is THE MOST IMPORTANT thing to share, above and beyond whether or not this message is well-received, above and beyond whether or not I did a sufficient job of organizing my thoughts on paper.

This is a little more cohesive than my unedited journal ramblings, which I like to call “Cosmic Vomit”. And so I present it to you in the face of all this insecurity. I hope you enjoy the rollercoaster!

This week’s post is a bit of a continuation of last week’s blog about my Soul Wander journey, which you can read about here:

https://www.noblelifestylecoaching.com/post/my-soul-wander-with-tim-corcoran

Today I dig into the unfolding integration of this journey - specifically the experience of “shitting out” of my inner critic. (This Soul Wander ceremony occurred recently in Sedona as part of a Fit for Service summit.)

First and foremost - I want to give a huge shout out to Aubrey Marcus's Fit for Service fellowship, which I joined in September of this year. Being a part of this community has given me the confidence to go out and share my gifts. Gifts that I've kept sheltered because of suffocating lies I'd told myself about my worth.

I have been criticizing myself lately (what? criticizing? never!) over my need for external validation and permission to just be ME. To be who I already AM. But while writing this it hit me that accepting/receiving love and encouragement from the Fit for Service (FFS) community has definitely bolstered my confidence around the fact that my unique contribution IS important and needed.

Like, how dare I play small? How dare YOU, any of us, play small?

Yes, you over there with all these gifts and a once in an existence unique perspective.

You don't believe you're perfect and special AF, and that the world needs your gift?

The unwavering validation of this community has helped ME see me. Thank God I finally LET myself be seen. Allowing for that validation is becoming my path to not needing it. Ooh, the paradox. Always a good sign that you're on target.

So - something just absolutely lifted in the exact moment I was typing about being seen. It felt like such a motherfucking relief.

And not everybody is gonna love me, and fuck it! I love them anyways! That rude, eternally aggressive and snide motherfucker that’s just miserable as shit - we need that fucking guy! I love him! He represents an important part of the collective experience - it wouldn’t be whole without him. (Unless it would.) :wink

I digress. The support of the FFS community has acted as a portal to stepping up and honoring myself and what I have to share with the world. I want to love people. I want to help them remember who they really are - if even just the smallest amount. I want to inspire people to blink twice - think twice.

I have always deeply identified with the call to adventure - the white rabbit.

"Let’s go see what’s in there!"

Getting curious about yourself.

Asking yourself new, difficult questions.

Crazy questions.

Imaginative questions.

Daring to meet your Godhood.

So so grateful for this community, you know who you are! Thank you!

1. I honestly don't know why I typed “the why is more important” - I think I was thinking - ha! - I was possibly stoned.

Ok, we're gonna go back in time here for a minute. The above two entries kinda sum up what propelled me into my pursuit of freedom back in 2007. I tapped into a deep knowing that something about the way I was seeing and relating to things was at the root of my suffering.

At the time I embarked on this journey, I was really struggling with a break-up. I was very depressed and confused, and eventually got fed up with feeling so powerless.

I resolved to do something to change the situation.

The first lens I used to search for the solution was the “get the relationship back” lens, so I downloaded some e-Book on “Getting Your X Back in 30 days” or some shit. But that initial approach ultimately introduced me to the 2nd lens, that of the Law of Attraction. An old boss showed me the Secret, and soon after I read the Law of Attraction by Esther and Jerry Hicks (Esther channels Abraham, it's dope as fuck you should totally read it.) That book changed the trajectory for me. It put the responsibility back on me, which felt completely empowering and expansive.

“You mean it IS possible to experience every moment as being riddled with endless possibilities and opportunities? You mean I DON’T have to be a slave to my past?” I dug. I liked this. I was in. I didn't know what the fuck I had unlocked, but I’m so glad that I did. This journey has by far been the coolest of my entire life.

Flash forward 13 years and many adventures and growth experiences later - and this persistent as fuck inner critic is still ruling my waking world.

While in Sedona last month, the Inner Critic became the star of the show. I knew on Day 1 it was time to go deep with this and release it. I declared this intention out loud at the first workshop I attended, and saw it through to the last ceremony, the Soul Wander. By the end of the weekend I definitely felt very different - much lighter. More confident. Ready to square up with my sword and meet that god damn fucking dragon head on.

Well....

Integrating when I got home was TOUGH. I was still STRUGGLING haha! Old-ass habit. DRAGON! Intentions were lovely but some of that critic skin was heavy and resistant and I was up and down from day to day for the first week or so after I got back. Slowly the pieces started to come together, though, as I made sure to remind myself to ground in the knowledge of who I really am - that I am that, that I am all of it, that it is all accessible, that separation is an illusion. That joy and abundance and love and success and thriving - that all those things ARE me. You. US. We can all tap into any of it anytime - we just forget how. I want to remember. I DO remember. I AM remembering.

I made sure to continue working with the practices that I know help me ground. Meditation, journaling, movement, nature. Interacting with uplifting people and ideas. Being cautious of what I ingest, physically and energetically. l got after these practices with steadfastness, knowing that at some point something would give.

One of the most helpful practices I've gotten into lately is "Future Self Journaling", which I picked up from Dr. Nicole LaPera. If she's not already on your radar I 100% recommend checking her out, she is a fucking genius.

The gist of the journaling practice is relatively straight forward - I feel like you can be as formal or informal with it as you like. The process looks like so:

When we talk about things we're not currently experiencing, but envision or dream about, we typically talk or write about them in the future tense. Examples:

"I would like to feel grounded."

"I wish I was confident."

"I want to experience abundance."

OR

We take it one step further and decide that we'll never have or be those things, which we reinforce with language like:

"I'm just clumsy."

"I'm just not artistic."

"I could never do that, I'm not good at__________."

With future self-journaling, you are describing these experiences as though they are so, CURRENTLY, in the present tense. Examples:

"I am grounded."

"I am confident."

"I experience abundance."

There are no rules in my world - you can get as wild with it as you like.

Just visualize the ideal future self you image an articulate it in the present tense. Mean it. FEEL it. And be thankful for it, and feel the gratitude in your body. Do that everyday, for all the days.

This practice has been hugely transformational for me.

Several days ago it really sunk in that this journaling has started to influence my thinking throughout the day. Little by little I have been taking up space that would have been previously consumed with worry and feelings of inadequacy and the 1-2 dozen “you fucking idiot”s that would pop up in my daily internal dialogue. I'm slowly choking out my Inner Critic by reinforcing self-talk that is the opposite of critical - affirming, reinforcing - encouraging, loving, accepting and gentle.

The feelings that have triggered those critical thoughts have not gone away - I have just shifted how I relate and react to them. And you know what? I’m starting to believe the things that this new, positive and encouraging part of myself is saying.

That is.....prettttty cool.

Another "tactic" I now employ is word-swapping - taking the feeling of obligation out of tasks by changing my language around them. I have sloppily scribbled down examples of this above, but I feel like that is all a tad incoherent, so I will re-iterate in type.

I started being way more mindful of my language. When I'm faced with my day and its tasks, I usually refer to these tasks as things that I "have to" or "need to" do. These words can imbue a sense of obligation, which can easily lead to something feeing like a drag - NOT something you wanna do. But what if you replaced phrases like "have to" & "need to" with "get to" & "choose to"? I GET to write this blog post. I GET to run errands and buy the things I CHOOSE to have in my life to support my comfort. I CHOOSE to spend time walking my dog. I GET to go bail a friend out of some shit situation. I CHOOSE to spend quality time moving my body. I GET to create my reality. OMG! And thanks!

(Also thought about how to re-frame my relationship with the word obligation.

What about duty? What does duty mean to you? How does that word feel?)

This new awareness combined with intention, focus, repetition and energy are facilitating big shifts in my life. Even when I'm feeling super goth and having an internal tantrum, I can ride the wave much better. Less struggle, less resistance. I'm listening to myself more, balancing the want with the need. I have a different perspective on a lot of my relationships - with people and with circumstances. More of the time. Haha! I feel even more equipped to embrace the unknown. I feel more free. I have eons of work to do, but progress feels significant right now. Loving myself more, listening more. Just loving more.

I like this different lens - I think it suits me.

I just had to choose something different, and believe in myself.

Thank yourself for your circumstances - because you created them. You gifted your life to yourself. Pretty fucking cool. Don't fuck it off playing small!

K guys, thanks for sticking with me on this one. I think it's time for me to wrap it up.

Good night! I’m going to bed.

With love,

Heidi

Note to Self: Damn bitch, you did a good job tonight! (or 3 days) Way to get after it, congratulations! :)

References:

Nicole LaPera

"The Holistic Psychologist"

https://yourholisticpsychologist.com

Aubrey Marcus

Founder of Onnit & Fit for Service Mastermind

https://www.aubreymarcus.com/pages/fit-for-service-fellowship

Peter Crone

"The Mind Architect"

www.petercrone.com